I’m not the biggest Bachelor Nation fan to begin with, but this season of the Bachelorette was the worst I’ve seen yet. If you were lucky enough to miss it, the basic gimmick this season was this: what if instead of just one rando woman from a previous season trying to “find love”, we had TWO? Wouldn’t that be crazy????
And it was pretty crazy — crazy how boring and stupid it ended up being. All the drama for this season was that all the boys (sorry, men) liked one contestant and not the other, so the girl (sorry, woman) who no one likes is sad. But it’s reality TV and we know the storylines are either totally fake or heavily manipulated by the producers (if you still believe their bullshit, spend some time on Spencer Pratt’s tiktok). This made me sad, since the producers are obviously doing their darndest to use the contestants to make this one chick feel bad to make their storyboard work. It just seemed mean.
Here’s what I would do if I were the producer: get a goth bachelorette. Or maybe someone emo, or punk, or scene (remember that?). Basically anything that busts out of the generic soulless bbl sex doll thing that has completely monopolized Reality TV.
The pop culture return of punk/emo/goth is already upon us. Avril Lavigne has new music out, and Paramore is getting writing credits on Olivia Rodrigo’s debut album.
Julia Fox smeared some shoe polish on her eyes and everyone keeps talking about it. Kourtney Kardashian just married Travis Barker, Christine Quinn got married in a “Gothic winter wonderland”, and Megan Fox and Machine Gun Kelly are drinking each other’s blood, or something. Demi Lovato just released an album that looks like this:
The foulest stench is in the air. The funk of fourty thousand years.
I really think people would lose their shit. I know I would watch. Just imagine! The Bachelorette but it’s a parasailing date with some gym bro next to Fecal Matter. A séance group date. And for a hometown date, the big reveal: show the Bachelorette sans makeup for the first time and see if her maybe-future husband recognizes her. Now there’s some commentary on the artifice of beauty.
Instead of the Bachelorette sans-makeup how about this: the Bachelorette wearing Kat Von D Beauty's (sorry, KVD Vegan Beauty's) Basket Case eyeliner in collaboration with Billie Joe Armstrong, like Julia Fox and the shoe polish, but better?!?!
Seriously though, I'm here for it! Shit, let's all just throw ideas at the wall and they'll be better than anything Warner Brothers can come up with. UFO obsessed Bachelorette! Bachelorette with a Boston accent! Victorian Bachelorette! The list goes on.